Inside my head sounded like a freight train. You know the feeling when you’re about to burst into the ugly cries, when you have NO freaking clue what may burst out of your soul, but know without a doubt it will be audible, just for complete & utter humiliation purposes?

 I was physically biting my tongue, which is normally something I reserve for funerals.

I did not anticipate feeling this way in the midst of my wedding vows.

My only hope was that Alanna would continue to speak until I was able to gather myself appropriately. I would soon find out that she was done speaking, our intimate crowd of guests would hear one of the following: Either completely BOTCHED wedding vows or elated cries masked as anguish!!

The former won the bet. Yes…. I am Jessica Maloney, writer, and I completely & entirely flubbed my wedding vows. I couldn’t risk the ugly, blubbering cries that were just below the surface. In fact I don’t have a damn clue what I actually said…my best guess is something about love, forever love and the children. Alanna’s speech struck a chord, that’s probably an understatement.

 Ask my newly proclaimed husband?

 Oh, good idea, except, he was so enthralled in how he was going to slay me with his vows and put on the performance of a lifetime he wasn’t listening anyway! He then proceeded to do exactly that with a disgusting amount of ease. However, he did assure me during the course of my short vows that I mentioned that I loved him.

You’d think after two years of emotional nudity I would have a permanent suit of armor and I would have the ability to “send my representative” at a moment’s notice. But, that is exactly why I fell for this man. I lose my superpowers with him. I feel everything, and at approximately 10xs the rate of normal emotions.

When Alanna kicked off the ceremony with, “Have you ever walked into a situation and frozen? Assuming you knew exactly what was going on? Judged the situation, thinking you had it all figured out, only to find out you were epically wrong about almost everything?”

My eyes instantaneously filled to the brim for two simultaneous reasons:

A: As you can imagine, I have been subjected to my fair share of judgement the last few years. People near & far assumed they knew or had what was presented to them as firsthand knowledge of what had gone on in my life and JUDGED, however incorrectly, my life, my character and my decisions.

You’ve been there too.

B. I was the judger in this relationship. I had a plan, I had made judgements. As soon as I thought I had my little life figured out and I was stepping on my own path. The universe SLAMMED me with The Love of My Life and proceeded to force me to throw everything familiar into a tornado. Further forcing my hand to utilize the full courage of love to allow myself to be loved (which, if we are honest is infinitely more frightening than loving someone else) and much to my chagrin, as we are all promised when we strip all of the fears and ugliness away…Love Prevails.

My husband’s wedding vows are the most beautiful words I will ever hear, I have no shame in telling you that I did my damndest to cover his cheat sheet hidden in his hand as he recited his vows with grace, “your companionship is vital to my happiness and I would be lost without you. I didn’t know it was possible for anyone to be so beautiful, funny, intelligent, kind, determined and” (my fave) “relentlessly wonderful. I have been around the world twice, but I never went anywhere until I met you. I am SO happy you are finally becoming a Maloney.”

Between me, you and the keyhole, I wouldn’t have beaten that mess of words even if I had the wherewithal to remember my well-written vows.

As an analytical cynic, I would have zero problems stating what I would change or do better about the evening of September 16^th. There is not one detail, not even one that I would change. My Dad refusing to let go of my arm as he walked me down the aisle, forcing my feet to quickly become mud covered was one of the best moments of my life and my Momma being right there to button me up in the last seconds before my life changed made me feel so special! I had missed these vital exchanges for so many years. My almost husband and I surrounded by our children as we stood before our close family members; my heart has never felt so full of love and life.

Every detail was perfection, down to the broken china plate that we are certain was Mike’s recently passed mother making her presence known. The chef’s hidden Biggie Smalls shirt, homage to Mike’s younger days. Our brothers, fathers and family members pitching in to deliver food and dancing the night away under the stars, will forever be known as the best night of our lives.

I’ll call this blog series done and leave you all with the best quote, threat, advice of the night given to Mike by my cousin Amber:

“Love her, but keep her wild.”

-Atticus